Thursday, April 5, 2007

This is hard..

Harder than I expected anyway. I have good days (where I don't think about it so much) and I have bad days. Last night got bad. I had the revelation that I have turned to food for comfort. Lovely for me. And I'll be honest, if I had more pain pills, I'd probably still be taking at least one a night to help me sleep and make me feel like everything is hunky-dory. I run myself ragged during the day with laundry and baking and cooking and cleaning the kitchen and taking care of the boys just so at night I'm hopefully tired enough to not dream or lay awake with my brain.

It hits me last night that I should be almost 13 weeks pregnant. I should be almost able to feel my baby moving inside of me. Why can't I just be pregnant? I mean, really. Last time my husband and I talked about how I feeling, I tried to tell him that I didn't want to take birth control, I didn't want to prevent and I didn't want to try. I just wanted to be 'blissfully ignorant' to the whole process. His response? "You can be blissfully ignorant on birth control pills." Sigh. I just wanted to have that chance each month.

I know I'll never be ignorant again. I'll never have that innocence of not knowing what could go wrong. I didn't have it with my last successful pregnancy, but damn it I had hope. And now I don't even have that. It's not a question of if something will go wrong when I'm pregnant again, it's a question of WHAT will go wrong when I get pregnant again. If this is how I feel now, I can't imagine how I would feel had I been further along. I think of my sweet sisters in loss, and I cannot fathom how they feel because if it hurts this much now I don't know much it must hurt to have a stillbirth or a pre-term birth and loss. I cry for them as much as for myself.

Damn it. It's not supposed to end like this.

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