I know it's been a while..

since I posted last, and it looks like we're back on the rollercoaster. Yes, you guessed it. We're pregnant again. I'm due August 13, 2008 (my birthday). Doc says August 12 and latest u/s says August 15, so I'm sticking with my original DD of August 13.

This pregnancy has started out better than my last, so that's something to be thankful for. I started supplementing with my leftover progesterone as soon as I got a positive HPT, and I truly believe that has made all the difference. My first beta came in at 769, taken on a Friday. They also tested my P4, which came back at 46.5, and to think, the nurse thought it would be useless to draw since I'd already started supplementing. I had a 'confirmation' appointment on the following Monday and a beta redraw. THAT came back at 3545. So.. woohoo for me. I also had an ultrasound that day, during which they told me they could see what they were supposed to for how far along I was (5w5d or something like that), ya know - yolk sac, gestational sac, and I'm assuming a fetal pole because I honestly don't remember if she mentioned it.

I've experienced some light spotting, which has resulted in pelvic rest (c'mon.. we all knew that would be a given the minute that second line appeared!) and my 'taking it easy' until my ultrasound on the 28th. So, we go in on the 28th, and I'm still feeling apprehensive. I mean, sure the numbers were good and I've been sicker than a dog (and, No, it's NOT fun.), but I couldn't help but wonder "What if?". I was so terrified and actually left the imaging center still feeling slightly pessimistic, but I've since decided to be happy - for as long as it's meant to be I will be happy. Yes, I'm slightly more optimistic now. Can't you tell?

We went ahead and told family over Christmas. Immediate family only. My mom's gearing up to be ready to help in whatever way she's needed. Thank you, Mom! My next OB appointment is on the 14th, and I expect a referral to the peri at that point for a possible cerclage. This will be a fun ride, I'm sure.

This is hard..

Harder than I expected anyway. I have good days (where I don't think about it so much) and I have bad days. Last night got bad. I had the revelation that I have turned to food for comfort. Lovely for me. And I'll be honest, if I had more pain pills, I'd probably still be taking at least one a night to help me sleep and make me feel like everything is hunky-dory. I run myself ragged during the day with laundry and baking and cooking and cleaning the kitchen and taking care of the boys just so at night I'm hopefully tired enough to not dream or lay awake with my brain.

It hits me last night that I should be almost 13 weeks pregnant. I should be almost able to feel my baby moving inside of me. Why can't I just be pregnant? I mean, really. Last time my husband and I talked about how I feeling, I tried to tell him that I didn't want to take birth control, I didn't want to prevent and I didn't want to try. I just wanted to be 'blissfully ignorant' to the whole process. His response? "You can be blissfully ignorant on birth control pills." Sigh. I just wanted to have that chance each month.

I know I'll never be ignorant again. I'll never have that innocence of not knowing what could go wrong. I didn't have it with my last successful pregnancy, but damn it I had hope. And now I don't even have that. It's not a question of if something will go wrong when I'm pregnant again, it's a question of WHAT will go wrong when I get pregnant again. If this is how I feel now, I can't imagine how I would feel had I been further along. I think of my sweet sisters in loss, and I cannot fathom how they feel because if it hurts this much now I don't know much it must hurt to have a stillbirth or a pre-term birth and loss. I cry for them as much as for myself.

Damn it. It's not supposed to end like this.

My heart

hurts today. It actually has been hurting most days, but some are worse than others. I'm standing in my kitchen making a cup of coffee and thinking about what my doc said when she told me my baby died. She said it wasn't anything I did or that there wasn't anything I could do, but how does she know?!? I'm fairly certain she wasn't living in my uterus when my baby died. I seem to have this same infection on my nose that I had when I was pregnant with my youngest - the one I went into pre-term labor with - so, I don't know. And I had something similar around the time the baby died. I wonder and I tear up and I get short with my oldest. I lose my patience more easily. And I hate that I am acting like this.

Last night the phone rings and caller id says it's my OB's office. Hubby goes 'Why would they be calling?" I, of course, gently remind him that today would have been my 1st official OB appointment and that yesterday was supposed to be my appointment with the high risk guy. So, he says "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to remind you." Sigh. The sentiment is nice, but I'd done a pretty good job of ignoring it until then.

It's just SO hard. I won't be normal after this. I'll never be the same as I was before. Now, I have to find my new normal, and God knows it's not easy.