Life is good..

Yes it is! As you might have guessed, my ultrasound went beautifully. There IS still a baby - and wonder of all wonders it's growing on schedule! I promise not to say 'Nyah Nyah Nyah" to my doc on the 14th. Honest. I will be nice. And she will be more excited. I'm sure.

I gave my notice at work. It was hard because I do like my job and my coworkers. But, I have to admit there is a certain freedom to think that after next week I'll be able to wear jeans or pajama pants all day if I feel like it! Of course, I also have to look forward to lots of quality time with the boys. That will be a change!

I'll update more after my next appointments.

Butterflies are nice...

When they're not in my tummy! I go tomorrow for my third ultrasound to 'recheck viability'. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm putting my faith in G-d because I feel pregnant. I'm growing. I have nausea. My boobs are HUGE. Yes, I feel pregnant.

At my appointment last week, my doc still didn't give me an obstetrical diagnosis. Sigh. But I am to 'treat myself like a pregnant lady'. And my 'uterus feels normal' (said with some surprise) for as far along as I am. She's set me up with the high risk guy for the 13th for a Level II u/s and evaluation for cerclage. I just wish she would have shown some excitement. Of course, at my first appointment for my last pregnancy, she was 'cautiously optimistic'. I keep reminding myself that it's because she is so cautious and careful that I've had two successful, full term pregnancies.

Ok, fingers crossed for another beautiful sight tomorrow morning. And no, I don't mean me when I get out of bed.

Today was such a gorgeous day...

Mind you, the temp never got above 30, and we had freezing rain/snow flurries all afternoon. But I don't care. Yes, you may have guessed. I had my ultrasound this morning, and we have a HEARTBEAT! YAY! That means it's a real live baby.. not just some mass of cells my Dr. will think is just my body being confused. YAY!

My appointment tomorrow should be interesting, and that's all I have to say about that. :)

Ah.. I used to love rollercoasters

I used to love rollercoasters.. I really really did.. but I think now - not so much. Nope. Today's been kind of eh. I've been alternating between excitement and being absolutely terrified. My ultrasound is Tuesday. I'm excited that maybe a miracle will have happened and there will be a baby in there - WITH a heartbeat mind you. And on the other hand I'm terrified that there won't. Since the appt is at 8am and I have to be there at 7:45.. either hubs can't go with me.. or he can and stay with the boys in the waiting room because God knows I will not... absolutely will NOT have them in the room at such an uncertain time. J talks about giving his baby brother a present when he gets here. And if it's a sister, he'll just get her a girl present. Sigh.

I was thinking today about our first ultrasound. We were so.. normal. Excited, a little nervous that God was playing a joke and it would be twins. Now, here we are. I vacillate between being absolutely positive that there's a baby in there and scared out of my gourd that there's nothing in there. And it slays me. I feel like maybe by thinking it it will be true. I can be extremely superstitious when it suits me. All it takes is an instant, and suddenly you're living with knowledge you wish you didn't have and no way to affect the outcome. I swear, I'd take placenta previa again.. or incompetent cervix.. Hell at this point, I'd welcome pre-term labor just to KNOW there was a baby in there growing strong and healthy.

I eat like I'm pregnant. Scares the crap outta my hubby. I had a gastric bypass two years ago, so we've learned that my eating habits DRASTICALLY change when I'm pregnant. I can pack away more food than anyone has a right to - and I can do it just about every hour/hour and a half or so too. Of course, I suppose that could just be the prometrium. Shrug. Wouldn't that be a kicker? I have no cramping though. And one tiny minuscule bit of blood over a week ago that resulted in a lovely Rhogam shot since I'm Rh negative. And let me tell you, if I'd seen the needle BEFORE hand, there is NO way they would've stuck that thing in me!

So, anyway, this is how my week will go -

Monday: Work work and more work. Hope I can concentrate enough to be semi-productive.
Tuesday: 8:00 u/s.. then more work - Unless it's so awful I need the day to just sob myself into oblivion.. some of you must know what I mean.. right?
Wednesday: Meet with the OB to go over the results. Oh boy oh boy. I'm only looking forward to that appointment if the f-ing magician has managed to pull the damn rabbit outta his hat.
Thursday: Life goes on..
Friday: Much the same..

Sigh. I'll keep praying.. and hoping God is listening to my slightly delusional ramblings.

So, Umm.. Hi.

Well, I thought I'd blog. Who'dathunk?

Anyway, guess I'll jump right in. This is my third pregnancy. The other two resulted in my two precious miracle boys. J is going to be 5 the first of the month, and E is almost 8 months. Let me say this pregnancy was a complete and utter surprise, but this baby is very much loved and wanted.

So, we get the positive pregnancy test. Imagine my hubby in the bathroom holding the test going, "No, no.. NO.. NO.." Umm, yeah. Not exactly the best reaction, but humorous in it's own wonderful way. Once the shock (OMGads, we're going to need a bigger car!) wore off, excitement began to set in. I got in to get a blood test at my OB's office. Numbers came back great. They wanted a repeat in at least 48 hours to see if things were doubling like they should. So, I do that - and get a call from the nurse, "Oh, they haven't quite doubled and we're a little concerned it might be non-viable" OH FREAKIN GREAT. Thanks. A lot. I get to go have MORE blood drawn. It only goes up 100. Lovely. "Doctor wants you to come in so she can go over things with you" Read: Doctor wants you to come in because she thinks you're going to miscarry and maybe you should have a D&C. UGH. I finally break down in the bathroom at work. Great. Now I can't stop crying. AND I have to go ask Dragonlady if I can have time off for the pregnancy I'm not supposed to be having - since I hadn't planned on telling her for a LOOOOOONG time if I could help it. I suppose though that the fact that I couldn't stop sobbing while I was in her office worked in my favor.

This was on Tuesday. She said I could have Thursday afternoon. Well, whoop de freakin do. Thanks a lot lady. I'm sure I was EXTREMELY productive on Wednesday. Fast forward to Thursday. Doctor goes over all my numbers with me - which I already knew being the savvy internet user that I am. I already asked the nurse for them. She's also concerned because my progesterone was low. Well, think Doc. I've had low progesterone with ALL my pregnancies, so please excuse me if that doesn't throw me into a tizzy. Yes, the low/slow rising HcG is concerning, but the early u/s you had me have showed a gestational sac and a yolk sac and measured exactly where I should be. SO, forgive me if I'm not exactly ready to jump all over onto the 'missed miscarriage' train. I told her "No offense, but when we were pregnant with J, you told us we miscarried. Thank God you sent us for an u/s before scheduling the D&C because he was still in there!" Hence, more lab drawn on Thursday (no results as yet that I've heard) and another u/s on Tuesday morning. When we left, hubs said, "I liked the part where you told her you had no respect for her medical opinion." Men.

I have since decided I'm pregnant until proven otherwise because to believe anything else would threaten my sanity. So, we're still hanging on to hope and praying for a miracle. We shall see.