Sunday, February 11, 2007

Ah.. I used to love rollercoasters

I used to love rollercoasters.. I really really did.. but I think now - not so much. Nope. Today's been kind of eh. I've been alternating between excitement and being absolutely terrified. My ultrasound is Tuesday. I'm excited that maybe a miracle will have happened and there will be a baby in there - WITH a heartbeat mind you. And on the other hand I'm terrified that there won't. Since the appt is at 8am and I have to be there at 7:45.. either hubs can't go with me.. or he can and stay with the boys in the waiting room because God knows I will not... absolutely will NOT have them in the room at such an uncertain time. J talks about giving his baby brother a present when he gets here. And if it's a sister, he'll just get her a girl present. Sigh.

I was thinking today about our first ultrasound. We were so.. normal. Excited, a little nervous that God was playing a joke and it would be twins. Now, here we are. I vacillate between being absolutely positive that there's a baby in there and scared out of my gourd that there's nothing in there. And it slays me. I feel like maybe by thinking it it will be true. I can be extremely superstitious when it suits me. All it takes is an instant, and suddenly you're living with knowledge you wish you didn't have and no way to affect the outcome. I swear, I'd take placenta previa again.. or incompetent cervix.. Hell at this point, I'd welcome pre-term labor just to KNOW there was a baby in there growing strong and healthy.

I eat like I'm pregnant. Scares the crap outta my hubby. I had a gastric bypass two years ago, so we've learned that my eating habits DRASTICALLY change when I'm pregnant. I can pack away more food than anyone has a right to - and I can do it just about every hour/hour and a half or so too. Of course, I suppose that could just be the prometrium. Shrug. Wouldn't that be a kicker? I have no cramping though. And one tiny minuscule bit of blood over a week ago that resulted in a lovely Rhogam shot since I'm Rh negative. And let me tell you, if I'd seen the needle BEFORE hand, there is NO way they would've stuck that thing in me!

So, anyway, this is how my week will go -

Monday: Work work and more work. Hope I can concentrate enough to be semi-productive.
Tuesday: 8:00 u/s.. then more work - Unless it's so awful I need the day to just sob myself into oblivion.. some of you must know what I mean.. right?
Wednesday: Meet with the OB to go over the results. Oh boy oh boy. I'm only looking forward to that appointment if the f-ing magician has managed to pull the damn rabbit outta his hat.
Thursday: Life goes on..
Friday: Much the same..

Sigh. I'll keep praying.. and hoping God is listening to my slightly delusional ramblings.

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