My heart

hurts today. It actually has been hurting most days, but some are worse than others. I'm standing in my kitchen making a cup of coffee and thinking about what my doc said when she told me my baby died. She said it wasn't anything I did or that there wasn't anything I could do, but how does she know?!? I'm fairly certain she wasn't living in my uterus when my baby died. I seem to have this same infection on my nose that I had when I was pregnant with my youngest - the one I went into pre-term labor with - so, I don't know. And I had something similar around the time the baby died. I wonder and I tear up and I get short with my oldest. I lose my patience more easily. And I hate that I am acting like this.

Last night the phone rings and caller id says it's my OB's office. Hubby goes 'Why would they be calling?" I, of course, gently remind him that today would have been my 1st official OB appointment and that yesterday was supposed to be my appointment with the high risk guy. So, he says "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to remind you." Sigh. The sentiment is nice, but I'd done a pretty good job of ignoring it until then.

It's just SO hard. I won't be normal after this. I'll never be the same as I was before. Now, I have to find my new normal, and God knows it's not easy.