Blah de blah de blah.

Well, the doctor has decided to treat my LONG list of things as 'depressed mood'. He's increased my Lexapro and given me Lunesta to try to help me sleep. So, whoo. I think I might get a second opinion. I don't know. My mom says there's nothing wrong with that, and I know she's right.

I just know that something has changed in my body, and it's bugging the heck out of me! I have this incredible pain in my mouth after a filling. A flipping FILLING! The dentist says I'm 'just ultra-sensitive' to changes in my mouth and prescribes painkillers, which is nice cause it kills the pain, but dang it. I just want to know WHY. I didn't used to have these problems.

I feel like I have arthritis most days. I walk and it feels like my hip joint is out of socket. Of course, I am told that is the most stable joint in our bodies and that I am most likely feeling the tendon rub over the joint. Sigh. I sometimes feel like my arms are on fire. It's weird. Just in certain spots. But still.

Clarifications...

I want to say something. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love very much. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have married him.

Sometimes we have differences of opinion, and the Lord knows that we BOTH have moments where we've had a bad day and don't think before we speak to one another. I don't ever intend to make him a bad guy, but I guess sometimes I will blog about things that bother me or hurt my feelings. I just have to make sure you get the good parts too.

I can still remember the first moment I met him. We'd been chatting online for a while, and I picked him up at his dorm. He was/is this tall, lanky redheaded guy. He didn't look anything like I expected, and he was so sweet. We picnicked by the lake (with the intention of it to be celebratory for his birthday 3 days later), and we saw The Mummy (plus The Out of Towners). I can still remember those flutters I got when he took my hand in the theater.

It's so very hard to explain how very right it felt to be there with him. For the first time in my life, I could picture the future and not want to run away. I fell in love with him that day. We spent the next 2 or 3 days together before he had to go home (3 hours away) for summer break. Two weeks later, I somehow talked my parents into letting him come stay with us, he came back, and now it's almost 9 years later. God truly had a hand in our union.

We've had our difficult times. This past year being the most trying of our marriage. We've both said things that are not nice to the other. It's been very hard, especially trying to keep it together in front of the kids, but the fact is: my love remains the same. I love this man I chose to walk with through life. I see him in my children's faces, in their smiles and hear him in their laughter. I see him in their not so good moments too, and I'm sure he sees me as well.

Life goes up, life comes down. The hard part is finding your balance.

Isn't it Amazing?

I'm going to the doctor on Monday. The past year and a half has been amazingly stressful, and I'm noticing some things that I don't like. Things that scare me. I've made a list. I'm taking it with me. Our therapist doesn't think I'm crazy. She encouraged me to go. My husband doesn't think there's anything wrong. All I know is that this list of things is interfering with my ability to be the kind of wife he wants and needs and thus interfering with our relationship.

Frankly, if there is something going on, then it's probably been going on way longer than the time we've been together. But it could have possibly been exacerbated recently. I don't know. I just want to feel good about me again. Feel good about how my husband feels about me.

Anyway, just some thoughts I wanted to get out.