I know it's been a while..

since I posted last, and it looks like we're back on the rollercoaster. Yes, you guessed it. We're pregnant again. I'm due August 13, 2008 (my birthday). Doc says August 12 and latest u/s says August 15, so I'm sticking with my original DD of August 13.

This pregnancy has started out better than my last, so that's something to be thankful for. I started supplementing with my leftover progesterone as soon as I got a positive HPT, and I truly believe that has made all the difference. My first beta came in at 769, taken on a Friday. They also tested my P4, which came back at 46.5, and to think, the nurse thought it would be useless to draw since I'd already started supplementing. I had a 'confirmation' appointment on the following Monday and a beta redraw. THAT came back at 3545. So.. woohoo for me. I also had an ultrasound that day, during which they told me they could see what they were supposed to for how far along I was (5w5d or something like that), ya know - yolk sac, gestational sac, and I'm assuming a fetal pole because I honestly don't remember if she mentioned it.

I've experienced some light spotting, which has resulted in pelvic rest (c'mon.. we all knew that would be a given the minute that second line appeared!) and my 'taking it easy' until my ultrasound on the 28th. So, we go in on the 28th, and I'm still feeling apprehensive. I mean, sure the numbers were good and I've been sicker than a dog (and, No, it's NOT fun.), but I couldn't help but wonder "What if?". I was so terrified and actually left the imaging center still feeling slightly pessimistic, but I've since decided to be happy - for as long as it's meant to be I will be happy. Yes, I'm slightly more optimistic now. Can't you tell?

We went ahead and told family over Christmas. Immediate family only. My mom's gearing up to be ready to help in whatever way she's needed. Thank you, Mom! My next OB appointment is on the 14th, and I expect a referral to the peri at that point for a possible cerclage. This will be a fun ride, I'm sure.

I'm kinda sad today.

I realized yesterday that if I were still PG that I would've either been delivered by now or about to deliver. I'm not going to mention it to DH because I think it's better for him to not be reminded. Our loss was really hard on him - harder than I knew, so I don't want to bring back all of that pain.

Bah. What can I say but the heart wants what the heart wants - it just isn't always in the cards.

Let me start..

by saying I absolutely adore my husband. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone. He has the most amazing moments - Of course, like anyone, he has his not so amazing moments that I just want to strangle him. My main gripe is this - If your wife is in the process of miscarrying or being told they think she's going to miscarry, do NOT EVER say "If this one doesn't work out, we can try again." And when she responds with "Are you sure? You're not just saying this? Promise me." Again, DO NOT reply to her (in her emotional state - and because she's a woman she will remember this til the day she dies) with "Of course. " I say this because a month or so down the road - after she's lost the baby - when you start saying "Are you sure you want more kids? I'm done having kids", SHE WILL REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE. And it will break her heart to hear you say those things because she will still harbor in her heart a desire and a hope that there is at least one more baby out there waiting to come to your family. Sigh.

I know this may not make a lot of sense - but it's been irking me for quite some time. Mainly, don't make such an important promise if you're not going to keep it.

This is hard..

Harder than I expected anyway. I have good days (where I don't think about it so much) and I have bad days. Last night got bad. I had the revelation that I have turned to food for comfort. Lovely for me. And I'll be honest, if I had more pain pills, I'd probably still be taking at least one a night to help me sleep and make me feel like everything is hunky-dory. I run myself ragged during the day with laundry and baking and cooking and cleaning the kitchen and taking care of the boys just so at night I'm hopefully tired enough to not dream or lay awake with my brain.

It hits me last night that I should be almost 13 weeks pregnant. I should be almost able to feel my baby moving inside of me. Why can't I just be pregnant? I mean, really. Last time my husband and I talked about how I feeling, I tried to tell him that I didn't want to take birth control, I didn't want to prevent and I didn't want to try. I just wanted to be 'blissfully ignorant' to the whole process. His response? "You can be blissfully ignorant on birth control pills." Sigh. I just wanted to have that chance each month.

I know I'll never be ignorant again. I'll never have that innocence of not knowing what could go wrong. I didn't have it with my last successful pregnancy, but damn it I had hope. And now I don't even have that. It's not a question of if something will go wrong when I'm pregnant again, it's a question of WHAT will go wrong when I get pregnant again. If this is how I feel now, I can't imagine how I would feel had I been further along. I think of my sweet sisters in loss, and I cannot fathom how they feel because if it hurts this much now I don't know much it must hurt to have a stillbirth or a pre-term birth and loss. I cry for them as much as for myself.

Damn it. It's not supposed to end like this.

My heart

hurts today. It actually has been hurting most days, but some are worse than others. I'm standing in my kitchen making a cup of coffee and thinking about what my doc said when she told me my baby died. She said it wasn't anything I did or that there wasn't anything I could do, but how does she know?!? I'm fairly certain she wasn't living in my uterus when my baby died. I seem to have this same infection on my nose that I had when I was pregnant with my youngest - the one I went into pre-term labor with - so, I don't know. And I had something similar around the time the baby died. I wonder and I tear up and I get short with my oldest. I lose my patience more easily. And I hate that I am acting like this.

Last night the phone rings and caller id says it's my OB's office. Hubby goes 'Why would they be calling?" I, of course, gently remind him that today would have been my 1st official OB appointment and that yesterday was supposed to be my appointment with the high risk guy. So, he says "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to remind you." Sigh. The sentiment is nice, but I'd done a pretty good job of ignoring it until then.

It's just SO hard. I won't be normal after this. I'll never be the same as I was before. Now, I have to find my new normal, and God knows it's not easy.

It's funny...

how light can turn to darkness in the blink of an eye. Yesterday I feel like my world tilted on it's axis.

I found out yesterday that the spotting that started Saturday night wasn't simply an irritated cervix. No, my sweet lil baby died at 7w4d - just 3 days after my last ultrasound where we saw that beautiful 140bpm heartbeat. I suppose I knew something wasn't quite right. I hadn't felt exactly right for the last week, and I had started to have period cravings. You know, I knew something wasn't right during the ultrasound. I didn't think I could see a heartbeat, and the tech wouldn't talk to me. It can kind of be figured out when she comes in and tells you to go down the hall to see your doctor. "They're expecting you," she said. Yeah. Oh boy.

I didn't lose it in the doctor's office though. No, I had to be strong and normal for my boys. I was pretty good until my hubby called me back. He was in a meeting, so I'd left him a voicemail. It was when I actually voiced the words out loud that I started to cry. Of course, he offered to come home immediately. So, after I fed my youngest, we all went to get him. I didn't want to go home; he let me pick somewhere to get us some lunch since my oldest and I hadn't eaten since before my wonderful appointments. I had a bellini. I felt like a traitor drinking alcohol, but my mind accepted that even though there was still something in my uterus, it wasn't my baby. My baby died.

Yes, I know I wasn't that far along. But it was still my baby. I loved it from the moment I found out about it. I loved it through the doctor telling me that maybe it was 'non-viable'. I loved it when we saw the heartbeat for the first time, and I still love it even after I know it's gone. It was my baby. There may be - no, there will be at least one more baby. Hubby wants to 'plan' this one, but I just want to not try, not prevent. I want to be blessed at least one more time.

I had my D&C today. She offered to let me go naturally, but I said no. I need the finality of knowing it's over and not the physical pain. Emotionally I have enough pain, thank you very much. My baby was dead for over a week before I knew it. I just wanted it over. The nurses were so nice. I woke up in recovery with my hand over my tummy. Whether I put it there subconsciously or they put it there when wheeling me in from the OR, I don't know. I just know I laid there with my hand on my stomach thinking, "This is it. This is the end. My baby is really gone." And there's nothing I could do to save her.

I feel like this one was a girl. In the last couple of weeks, I remembered that when I was pregnant with my oldest I had a dream. Well, more of a nightmare really. I dreamt I was in the shower and bleeding horrifically. And as I looked down at these rivers of blood in the bottom of the tub, I saw this perfect little girl float by on a leaf. She was impossibly tiny, yet seemed so perfect. And she opened her eyes - they were the most beautiful blue, like mine. And she had curly brown hair like mine. It scared me five years ago, but this time I frantically tried to push it out of my head like it could cause something to go wrong. I think my body knew and was trying to prepare me for the truth.

I feel like I've joined a club that no one really wants to be a member of, but once you're in, you're in.


That's enough for now. Painkillers kicking in and I'm making more typos than sense.

Life is good..

Yes it is! As you might have guessed, my ultrasound went beautifully. There IS still a baby - and wonder of all wonders it's growing on schedule! I promise not to say 'Nyah Nyah Nyah" to my doc on the 14th. Honest. I will be nice. And she will be more excited. I'm sure.

I gave my notice at work. It was hard because I do like my job and my coworkers. But, I have to admit there is a certain freedom to think that after next week I'll be able to wear jeans or pajama pants all day if I feel like it! Of course, I also have to look forward to lots of quality time with the boys. That will be a change!

I'll update more after my next appointments.

Butterflies are nice...

When they're not in my tummy! I go tomorrow for my third ultrasound to 'recheck viability'. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm putting my faith in G-d because I feel pregnant. I'm growing. I have nausea. My boobs are HUGE. Yes, I feel pregnant.

At my appointment last week, my doc still didn't give me an obstetrical diagnosis. Sigh. But I am to 'treat myself like a pregnant lady'. And my 'uterus feels normal' (said with some surprise) for as far along as I am. She's set me up with the high risk guy for the 13th for a Level II u/s and evaluation for cerclage. I just wish she would have shown some excitement. Of course, at my first appointment for my last pregnancy, she was 'cautiously optimistic'. I keep reminding myself that it's because she is so cautious and careful that I've had two successful, full term pregnancies.

Ok, fingers crossed for another beautiful sight tomorrow morning. And no, I don't mean me when I get out of bed.

Today was such a gorgeous day...

Mind you, the temp never got above 30, and we had freezing rain/snow flurries all afternoon. But I don't care. Yes, you may have guessed. I had my ultrasound this morning, and we have a HEARTBEAT! YAY! That means it's a real live baby.. not just some mass of cells my Dr. will think is just my body being confused. YAY!

My appointment tomorrow should be interesting, and that's all I have to say about that. :)

Ah.. I used to love rollercoasters

I used to love rollercoasters.. I really really did.. but I think now - not so much. Nope. Today's been kind of eh. I've been alternating between excitement and being absolutely terrified. My ultrasound is Tuesday. I'm excited that maybe a miracle will have happened and there will be a baby in there - WITH a heartbeat mind you. And on the other hand I'm terrified that there won't. Since the appt is at 8am and I have to be there at 7:45.. either hubs can't go with me.. or he can and stay with the boys in the waiting room because God knows I will not... absolutely will NOT have them in the room at such an uncertain time. J talks about giving his baby brother a present when he gets here. And if it's a sister, he'll just get her a girl present. Sigh.

I was thinking today about our first ultrasound. We were so.. normal. Excited, a little nervous that God was playing a joke and it would be twins. Now, here we are. I vacillate between being absolutely positive that there's a baby in there and scared out of my gourd that there's nothing in there. And it slays me. I feel like maybe by thinking it it will be true. I can be extremely superstitious when it suits me. All it takes is an instant, and suddenly you're living with knowledge you wish you didn't have and no way to affect the outcome. I swear, I'd take placenta previa again.. or incompetent cervix.. Hell at this point, I'd welcome pre-term labor just to KNOW there was a baby in there growing strong and healthy.

I eat like I'm pregnant. Scares the crap outta my hubby. I had a gastric bypass two years ago, so we've learned that my eating habits DRASTICALLY change when I'm pregnant. I can pack away more food than anyone has a right to - and I can do it just about every hour/hour and a half or so too. Of course, I suppose that could just be the prometrium. Shrug. Wouldn't that be a kicker? I have no cramping though. And one tiny minuscule bit of blood over a week ago that resulted in a lovely Rhogam shot since I'm Rh negative. And let me tell you, if I'd seen the needle BEFORE hand, there is NO way they would've stuck that thing in me!

So, anyway, this is how my week will go -

Monday: Work work and more work. Hope I can concentrate enough to be semi-productive.
Tuesday: 8:00 u/s.. then more work - Unless it's so awful I need the day to just sob myself into oblivion.. some of you must know what I mean.. right?
Wednesday: Meet with the OB to go over the results. Oh boy oh boy. I'm only looking forward to that appointment if the f-ing magician has managed to pull the damn rabbit outta his hat.
Thursday: Life goes on..
Friday: Much the same..

Sigh. I'll keep praying.. and hoping God is listening to my slightly delusional ramblings.

So, Umm.. Hi.

Well, I thought I'd blog. Who'dathunk?

Anyway, guess I'll jump right in. This is my third pregnancy. The other two resulted in my two precious miracle boys. J is going to be 5 the first of the month, and E is almost 8 months. Let me say this pregnancy was a complete and utter surprise, but this baby is very much loved and wanted.

So, we get the positive pregnancy test. Imagine my hubby in the bathroom holding the test going, "No, no.. NO.. NO.." Umm, yeah. Not exactly the best reaction, but humorous in it's own wonderful way. Once the shock (OMGads, we're going to need a bigger car!) wore off, excitement began to set in. I got in to get a blood test at my OB's office. Numbers came back great. They wanted a repeat in at least 48 hours to see if things were doubling like they should. So, I do that - and get a call from the nurse, "Oh, they haven't quite doubled and we're a little concerned it might be non-viable" OH FREAKIN GREAT. Thanks. A lot. I get to go have MORE blood drawn. It only goes up 100. Lovely. "Doctor wants you to come in so she can go over things with you" Read: Doctor wants you to come in because she thinks you're going to miscarry and maybe you should have a D&C. UGH. I finally break down in the bathroom at work. Great. Now I can't stop crying. AND I have to go ask Dragonlady if I can have time off for the pregnancy I'm not supposed to be having - since I hadn't planned on telling her for a LOOOOOONG time if I could help it. I suppose though that the fact that I couldn't stop sobbing while I was in her office worked in my favor.

This was on Tuesday. She said I could have Thursday afternoon. Well, whoop de freakin do. Thanks a lot lady. I'm sure I was EXTREMELY productive on Wednesday. Fast forward to Thursday. Doctor goes over all my numbers with me - which I already knew being the savvy internet user that I am. I already asked the nurse for them. She's also concerned because my progesterone was low. Well, think Doc. I've had low progesterone with ALL my pregnancies, so please excuse me if that doesn't throw me into a tizzy. Yes, the low/slow rising HcG is concerning, but the early u/s you had me have showed a gestational sac and a yolk sac and measured exactly where I should be. SO, forgive me if I'm not exactly ready to jump all over onto the 'missed miscarriage' train. I told her "No offense, but when we were pregnant with J, you told us we miscarried. Thank God you sent us for an u/s before scheduling the D&C because he was still in there!" Hence, more lab drawn on Thursday (no results as yet that I've heard) and another u/s on Tuesday morning. When we left, hubs said, "I liked the part where you told her you had no respect for her medical opinion." Men.

I have since decided I'm pregnant until proven otherwise because to believe anything else would threaten my sanity. So, we're still hanging on to hope and praying for a miracle. We shall see.