Blah de blah de blah.

Well, the doctor has decided to treat my LONG list of things as 'depressed mood'. He's increased my Lexapro and given me Lunesta to try to help me sleep. So, whoo. I think I might get a second opinion. I don't know. My mom says there's nothing wrong with that, and I know she's right.

I just know that something has changed in my body, and it's bugging the heck out of me! I have this incredible pain in my mouth after a filling. A flipping FILLING! The dentist says I'm 'just ultra-sensitive' to changes in my mouth and prescribes painkillers, which is nice cause it kills the pain, but dang it. I just want to know WHY. I didn't used to have these problems.

I feel like I have arthritis most days. I walk and it feels like my hip joint is out of socket. Of course, I am told that is the most stable joint in our bodies and that I am most likely feeling the tendon rub over the joint. Sigh. I sometimes feel like my arms are on fire. It's weird. Just in certain spots. But still.

Clarifications...

I want to say something. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love very much. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have married him.

Sometimes we have differences of opinion, and the Lord knows that we BOTH have moments where we've had a bad day and don't think before we speak to one another. I don't ever intend to make him a bad guy, but I guess sometimes I will blog about things that bother me or hurt my feelings. I just have to make sure you get the good parts too.

I can still remember the first moment I met him. We'd been chatting online for a while, and I picked him up at his dorm. He was/is this tall, lanky redheaded guy. He didn't look anything like I expected, and he was so sweet. We picnicked by the lake (with the intention of it to be celebratory for his birthday 3 days later), and we saw The Mummy (plus The Out of Towners). I can still remember those flutters I got when he took my hand in the theater.

It's so very hard to explain how very right it felt to be there with him. For the first time in my life, I could picture the future and not want to run away. I fell in love with him that day. We spent the next 2 or 3 days together before he had to go home (3 hours away) for summer break. Two weeks later, I somehow talked my parents into letting him come stay with us, he came back, and now it's almost 9 years later. God truly had a hand in our union.

We've had our difficult times. This past year being the most trying of our marriage. We've both said things that are not nice to the other. It's been very hard, especially trying to keep it together in front of the kids, but the fact is: my love remains the same. I love this man I chose to walk with through life. I see him in my children's faces, in their smiles and hear him in their laughter. I see him in their not so good moments too, and I'm sure he sees me as well.

Life goes up, life comes down. The hard part is finding your balance.

Isn't it Amazing?

I'm going to the doctor on Monday. The past year and a half has been amazingly stressful, and I'm noticing some things that I don't like. Things that scare me. I've made a list. I'm taking it with me. Our therapist doesn't think I'm crazy. She encouraged me to go. My husband doesn't think there's anything wrong. All I know is that this list of things is interfering with my ability to be the kind of wife he wants and needs and thus interfering with our relationship.

Frankly, if there is something going on, then it's probably been going on way longer than the time we've been together. But it could have possibly been exacerbated recently. I don't know. I just want to feel good about me again. Feel good about how my husband feels about me.

Anyway, just some thoughts I wanted to get out.

More Life..

I'm in a talkative mood tonight, so why not post on my blog?

My baby, my firstborn son who makes me want to pull my hair out more often than not, is getting ready to complete the first grade. He's so damn smart it scares me at times. They started Accelerated Reader the last nine weeks of school, and we got his assessment the other day. Our boy reads at the level of a 2nd grader who's been in school for 7 months. I am so proud of him. Parent/Teacher conferences went well. He's polite, respectful and a bit of a perfectionist at school who sometimes talks too much. Wonder who he gets that from? *lost look*

Of course, here at home, we get the child who is quick to recognize loopholes in rules we give him and is resistant to most forms of discipline. And that wonderful high-pitched whine when he doesn't want to do something. I am NOT claiming responsibility for that one! *lol*

His daddy's 30th birthday is tomorrow, and Jeffrey said the sweetest thing at Target today. He told me that his daddy already had the best present. It was free, and he has it every day. When I asked him what he meant, he said very simply, "Us." And how true is that?

So very often, I get caught up in the ins and outs of day to day life that I forget the big picture. Jeff's got it right. Family. Friends. Appreciating one another for the unique gifts we each bring to the table.

I'm blessed. And I try to remember to thank God every day for the good things in my life.

Life

There have been a lot of changes in my life during the past 9 months. Situations I never thought I'd be in have suddenly surrounded me. It's been very hard to look within myself, to find my strength.

I'm very much more aware of others. I have an empathy for certain things that I didn't really have before. I've experienced real hatred for the first time. And, I'm slowly learning how to let go of it. I'm walking through the fire and praying for the strength to make it out the other side. Baptism by fire.

Hey! Hey.. YOU!

Yeah.. you. See that adorable, scrunchy faced lil guy in my profile pic over there? Yeah.. him. That's the wonderful little boy that gave me so much trouble. Jonathan Ryan was born on August 1, 2008 at 7:25 am via c-section. He and the peri share a birthday! And the peri's name is John, oddly enough. MY Jon came into the world weighing a healthy 8lbs. and 4oz and logging in at a leggy 21.5 inches in length. By far, he is my biggest baby. And this is a trend he continues to this day. His older brother is 2 1/2 and weighs 29lbs. Jon weighs 18. Oy. He's definitely my chunk.

Jon's a wonderful miracle. He's a special part of me and our family. He's laid back, fairly quiet, and when you look at him, you can just see him taking it all in. I'm almost afraid to learn what he's retained. Especially from his big brothers! He's always got this special squishy smile for me. He grins REAAALLLLYYYYY big and his eyes get all squishy. It's the most beautiful thing ever. Seriously.

His big brothers adore him. And he's learning things from them that I'm sure will scare me down the road. With mobility rapidly approaching, life is in constant flux. It's funny how when you're a kid, time just seems to crawl. But, when you're an adult, it flies by so fast you can hardly catch your breath at times.

I look at my children, and I see the endless future that lays open before them. I pray I'm doing my part to ensure their success. Being a parent is definitely the most rewarding and most frustrating job in the world. The biggest job of your life. You never realize it until you look at that sweet face for the first time. Then the enormity of the changes, the responsibility, stares back at you.