So we know I suck...

at updating this thing.

Ah, let's see. Still pregnant. (WOOHOO!) Still high risk. Start the 17-Alpha Hydroxyprogesterone shots tomorrow as soon as I can get the script filled at the compounding pharmacy. I don't have a history of pre-term labor, but the perinatologist thinks it will cut my chance of having additional trouble by half. So, I'm all for that.

Well, cervical length is down from 2.7 (which was not really normal to begin with) to a 2.2, so I go in Saturday morning for a cerclage. I'm slightly nervous, but the doc thinks at this point it will be better for me to have one than not. In fact, he said he might be more lenient in regards to my activities with the cerclage in place. Yay. Housework. LOL.

Baby is doing awesome. We found out the sex today. It's a beautiful baby boy! So, we will now have 3 boys, and I think we're done. Yes, a girl would have been nice, but I do love my boys. I just wanted DH to have that father-daughter relationship, kind of like the special relationship I have with the boys. Plus, umm, all the shopping. I'll post some pictures so anyone who's interested can see the progression of growth in the baby. Now, of course, the Great Name Debate begins. Ah, it shall be fun!


Here we are at 7wXd:

And 9w2d:
And 17w1d - The infamous 'Boy' shot:

And again at 17w1d - just some adorable feet:

I know it's been a while..

since I posted last, and it looks like we're back on the rollercoaster. Yes, you guessed it. We're pregnant again. I'm due August 13, 2008 (my birthday). Doc says August 12 and latest u/s says August 15, so I'm sticking with my original DD of August 13.

This pregnancy has started out better than my last, so that's something to be thankful for. I started supplementing with my leftover progesterone as soon as I got a positive HPT, and I truly believe that has made all the difference. My first beta came in at 769, taken on a Friday. They also tested my P4, which came back at 46.5, and to think, the nurse thought it would be useless to draw since I'd already started supplementing. I had a 'confirmation' appointment on the following Monday and a beta redraw. THAT came back at 3545. So.. woohoo for me. I also had an ultrasound that day, during which they told me they could see what they were supposed to for how far along I was (5w5d or something like that), ya know - yolk sac, gestational sac, and I'm assuming a fetal pole because I honestly don't remember if she mentioned it.

I've experienced some light spotting, which has resulted in pelvic rest (c'mon.. we all knew that would be a given the minute that second line appeared!) and my 'taking it easy' until my ultrasound on the 28th. So, we go in on the 28th, and I'm still feeling apprehensive. I mean, sure the numbers were good and I've been sicker than a dog (and, No, it's NOT fun.), but I couldn't help but wonder "What if?". I was so terrified and actually left the imaging center still feeling slightly pessimistic, but I've since decided to be happy - for as long as it's meant to be I will be happy. Yes, I'm slightly more optimistic now. Can't you tell?

We went ahead and told family over Christmas. Immediate family only. My mom's gearing up to be ready to help in whatever way she's needed. Thank you, Mom! My next OB appointment is on the 14th, and I expect a referral to the peri at that point for a possible cerclage. This will be a fun ride, I'm sure.

I'm kinda sad today.

I realized yesterday that if I were still PG that I would've either been delivered by now or about to deliver. I'm not going to mention it to DH because I think it's better for him to not be reminded. Our loss was really hard on him - harder than I knew, so I don't want to bring back all of that pain.

Bah. What can I say but the heart wants what the heart wants - it just isn't always in the cards.

Let me start..

by saying I absolutely adore my husband. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone. He has the most amazing moments - Of course, like anyone, he has his not so amazing moments that I just want to strangle him. My main gripe is this - If your wife is in the process of miscarrying or being told they think she's going to miscarry, do NOT EVER say "If this one doesn't work out, we can try again." And when she responds with "Are you sure? You're not just saying this? Promise me." Again, DO NOT reply to her (in her emotional state - and because she's a woman she will remember this til the day she dies) with "Of course. " I say this because a month or so down the road - after she's lost the baby - when you start saying "Are you sure you want more kids? I'm done having kids", SHE WILL REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE. And it will break her heart to hear you say those things because she will still harbor in her heart a desire and a hope that there is at least one more baby out there waiting to come to your family. Sigh.

I know this may not make a lot of sense - but it's been irking me for quite some time. Mainly, don't make such an important promise if you're not going to keep it.

This is hard..

Harder than I expected anyway. I have good days (where I don't think about it so much) and I have bad days. Last night got bad. I had the revelation that I have turned to food for comfort. Lovely for me. And I'll be honest, if I had more pain pills, I'd probably still be taking at least one a night to help me sleep and make me feel like everything is hunky-dory. I run myself ragged during the day with laundry and baking and cooking and cleaning the kitchen and taking care of the boys just so at night I'm hopefully tired enough to not dream or lay awake with my brain.

It hits me last night that I should be almost 13 weeks pregnant. I should be almost able to feel my baby moving inside of me. Why can't I just be pregnant? I mean, really. Last time my husband and I talked about how I feeling, I tried to tell him that I didn't want to take birth control, I didn't want to prevent and I didn't want to try. I just wanted to be 'blissfully ignorant' to the whole process. His response? "You can be blissfully ignorant on birth control pills." Sigh. I just wanted to have that chance each month.

I know I'll never be ignorant again. I'll never have that innocence of not knowing what could go wrong. I didn't have it with my last successful pregnancy, but damn it I had hope. And now I don't even have that. It's not a question of if something will go wrong when I'm pregnant again, it's a question of WHAT will go wrong when I get pregnant again. If this is how I feel now, I can't imagine how I would feel had I been further along. I think of my sweet sisters in loss, and I cannot fathom how they feel because if it hurts this much now I don't know much it must hurt to have a stillbirth or a pre-term birth and loss. I cry for them as much as for myself.

Damn it. It's not supposed to end like this.

My heart

hurts today. It actually has been hurting most days, but some are worse than others. I'm standing in my kitchen making a cup of coffee and thinking about what my doc said when she told me my baby died. She said it wasn't anything I did or that there wasn't anything I could do, but how does she know?!? I'm fairly certain she wasn't living in my uterus when my baby died. I seem to have this same infection on my nose that I had when I was pregnant with my youngest - the one I went into pre-term labor with - so, I don't know. And I had something similar around the time the baby died. I wonder and I tear up and I get short with my oldest. I lose my patience more easily. And I hate that I am acting like this.

Last night the phone rings and caller id says it's my OB's office. Hubby goes 'Why would they be calling?" I, of course, gently remind him that today would have been my 1st official OB appointment and that yesterday was supposed to be my appointment with the high risk guy. So, he says "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to remind you." Sigh. The sentiment is nice, but I'd done a pretty good job of ignoring it until then.

It's just SO hard. I won't be normal after this. I'll never be the same as I was before. Now, I have to find my new normal, and God knows it's not easy.

It's funny...

how light can turn to darkness in the blink of an eye. Yesterday I feel like my world tilted on it's axis.

I found out yesterday that the spotting that started Saturday night wasn't simply an irritated cervix. No, my sweet lil baby died at 7w4d - just 3 days after my last ultrasound where we saw that beautiful 140bpm heartbeat. I suppose I knew something wasn't quite right. I hadn't felt exactly right for the last week, and I had started to have period cravings. You know, I knew something wasn't right during the ultrasound. I didn't think I could see a heartbeat, and the tech wouldn't talk to me. It can kind of be figured out when she comes in and tells you to go down the hall to see your doctor. "They're expecting you," she said. Yeah. Oh boy.

I didn't lose it in the doctor's office though. No, I had to be strong and normal for my boys. I was pretty good until my hubby called me back. He was in a meeting, so I'd left him a voicemail. It was when I actually voiced the words out loud that I started to cry. Of course, he offered to come home immediately. So, after I fed my youngest, we all went to get him. I didn't want to go home; he let me pick somewhere to get us some lunch since my oldest and I hadn't eaten since before my wonderful appointments. I had a bellini. I felt like a traitor drinking alcohol, but my mind accepted that even though there was still something in my uterus, it wasn't my baby. My baby died.

Yes, I know I wasn't that far along. But it was still my baby. I loved it from the moment I found out about it. I loved it through the doctor telling me that maybe it was 'non-viable'. I loved it when we saw the heartbeat for the first time, and I still love it even after I know it's gone. It was my baby. There may be - no, there will be at least one more baby. Hubby wants to 'plan' this one, but I just want to not try, not prevent. I want to be blessed at least one more time.

I had my D&C today. She offered to let me go naturally, but I said no. I need the finality of knowing it's over and not the physical pain. Emotionally I have enough pain, thank you very much. My baby was dead for over a week before I knew it. I just wanted it over. The nurses were so nice. I woke up in recovery with my hand over my tummy. Whether I put it there subconsciously or they put it there when wheeling me in from the OR, I don't know. I just know I laid there with my hand on my stomach thinking, "This is it. This is the end. My baby is really gone." And there's nothing I could do to save her.

I feel like this one was a girl. In the last couple of weeks, I remembered that when I was pregnant with my oldest I had a dream. Well, more of a nightmare really. I dreamt I was in the shower and bleeding horrifically. And as I looked down at these rivers of blood in the bottom of the tub, I saw this perfect little girl float by on a leaf. She was impossibly tiny, yet seemed so perfect. And she opened her eyes - they were the most beautiful blue, like mine. And she had curly brown hair like mine. It scared me five years ago, but this time I frantically tried to push it out of my head like it could cause something to go wrong. I think my body knew and was trying to prepare me for the truth.

I feel like I've joined a club that no one really wants to be a member of, but once you're in, you're in.


That's enough for now. Painkillers kicking in and I'm making more typos than sense.