Life

There have been a lot of changes in my life during the past 9 months. Situations I never thought I'd be in have suddenly surrounded me. It's been very hard to look within myself, to find my strength.

I'm very much more aware of others. I have an empathy for certain things that I didn't really have before. I've experienced real hatred for the first time. And, I'm slowly learning how to let go of it. I'm walking through the fire and praying for the strength to make it out the other side. Baptism by fire.

Hey! Hey.. YOU!

Yeah.. you. See that adorable, scrunchy faced lil guy in my profile pic over there? Yeah.. him. That's the wonderful little boy that gave me so much trouble. Jonathan Ryan was born on August 1, 2008 at 7:25 am via c-section. He and the peri share a birthday! And the peri's name is John, oddly enough. MY Jon came into the world weighing a healthy 8lbs. and 4oz and logging in at a leggy 21.5 inches in length. By far, he is my biggest baby. And this is a trend he continues to this day. His older brother is 2 1/2 and weighs 29lbs. Jon weighs 18. Oy. He's definitely my chunk.

Jon's a wonderful miracle. He's a special part of me and our family. He's laid back, fairly quiet, and when you look at him, you can just see him taking it all in. I'm almost afraid to learn what he's retained. Especially from his big brothers! He's always got this special squishy smile for me. He grins REAAALLLLYYYYY big and his eyes get all squishy. It's the most beautiful thing ever. Seriously.

His big brothers adore him. And he's learning things from them that I'm sure will scare me down the road. With mobility rapidly approaching, life is in constant flux. It's funny how when you're a kid, time just seems to crawl. But, when you're an adult, it flies by so fast you can hardly catch your breath at times.

I look at my children, and I see the endless future that lays open before them. I pray I'm doing my part to ensure their success. Being a parent is definitely the most rewarding and most frustrating job in the world. The biggest job of your life. You never realize it until you look at that sweet face for the first time. Then the enormity of the changes, the responsibility, stares back at you.

So we know I suck...

at updating this thing.

Ah, let's see. Still pregnant. (WOOHOO!) Still high risk. Start the 17-Alpha Hydroxyprogesterone shots tomorrow as soon as I can get the script filled at the compounding pharmacy. I don't have a history of pre-term labor, but the perinatologist thinks it will cut my chance of having additional trouble by half. So, I'm all for that.

Well, cervical length is down from 2.7 (which was not really normal to begin with) to a 2.2, so I go in Saturday morning for a cerclage. I'm slightly nervous, but the doc thinks at this point it will be better for me to have one than not. In fact, he said he might be more lenient in regards to my activities with the cerclage in place. Yay. Housework. LOL.

Baby is doing awesome. We found out the sex today. It's a beautiful baby boy! So, we will now have 3 boys, and I think we're done. Yes, a girl would have been nice, but I do love my boys. I just wanted DH to have that father-daughter relationship, kind of like the special relationship I have with the boys. Plus, umm, all the shopping. I'll post some pictures so anyone who's interested can see the progression of growth in the baby. Now, of course, the Great Name Debate begins. Ah, it shall be fun!


Here we are at 7wXd:

And 9w2d:
And 17w1d - The infamous 'Boy' shot:

And again at 17w1d - just some adorable feet:

I know it's been a while..

since I posted last, and it looks like we're back on the rollercoaster. Yes, you guessed it. We're pregnant again. I'm due August 13, 2008 (my birthday). Doc says August 12 and latest u/s says August 15, so I'm sticking with my original DD of August 13.

This pregnancy has started out better than my last, so that's something to be thankful for. I started supplementing with my leftover progesterone as soon as I got a positive HPT, and I truly believe that has made all the difference. My first beta came in at 769, taken on a Friday. They also tested my P4, which came back at 46.5, and to think, the nurse thought it would be useless to draw since I'd already started supplementing. I had a 'confirmation' appointment on the following Monday and a beta redraw. THAT came back at 3545. So.. woohoo for me. I also had an ultrasound that day, during which they told me they could see what they were supposed to for how far along I was (5w5d or something like that), ya know - yolk sac, gestational sac, and I'm assuming a fetal pole because I honestly don't remember if she mentioned it.

I've experienced some light spotting, which has resulted in pelvic rest (c'mon.. we all knew that would be a given the minute that second line appeared!) and my 'taking it easy' until my ultrasound on the 28th. So, we go in on the 28th, and I'm still feeling apprehensive. I mean, sure the numbers were good and I've been sicker than a dog (and, No, it's NOT fun.), but I couldn't help but wonder "What if?". I was so terrified and actually left the imaging center still feeling slightly pessimistic, but I've since decided to be happy - for as long as it's meant to be I will be happy. Yes, I'm slightly more optimistic now. Can't you tell?

We went ahead and told family over Christmas. Immediate family only. My mom's gearing up to be ready to help in whatever way she's needed. Thank you, Mom! My next OB appointment is on the 14th, and I expect a referral to the peri at that point for a possible cerclage. This will be a fun ride, I'm sure.

I'm kinda sad today.

I realized yesterday that if I were still PG that I would've either been delivered by now or about to deliver. I'm not going to mention it to DH because I think it's better for him to not be reminded. Our loss was really hard on him - harder than I knew, so I don't want to bring back all of that pain.

Bah. What can I say but the heart wants what the heart wants - it just isn't always in the cards.

Let me start..

by saying I absolutely adore my husband. I love this man more than I ever thought I could love someone. He has the most amazing moments - Of course, like anyone, he has his not so amazing moments that I just want to strangle him. My main gripe is this - If your wife is in the process of miscarrying or being told they think she's going to miscarry, do NOT EVER say "If this one doesn't work out, we can try again." And when she responds with "Are you sure? You're not just saying this? Promise me." Again, DO NOT reply to her (in her emotional state - and because she's a woman she will remember this til the day she dies) with "Of course. " I say this because a month or so down the road - after she's lost the baby - when you start saying "Are you sure you want more kids? I'm done having kids", SHE WILL REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE. And it will break her heart to hear you say those things because she will still harbor in her heart a desire and a hope that there is at least one more baby out there waiting to come to your family. Sigh.

I know this may not make a lot of sense - but it's been irking me for quite some time. Mainly, don't make such an important promise if you're not going to keep it.

This is hard..

Harder than I expected anyway. I have good days (where I don't think about it so much) and I have bad days. Last night got bad. I had the revelation that I have turned to food for comfort. Lovely for me. And I'll be honest, if I had more pain pills, I'd probably still be taking at least one a night to help me sleep and make me feel like everything is hunky-dory. I run myself ragged during the day with laundry and baking and cooking and cleaning the kitchen and taking care of the boys just so at night I'm hopefully tired enough to not dream or lay awake with my brain.

It hits me last night that I should be almost 13 weeks pregnant. I should be almost able to feel my baby moving inside of me. Why can't I just be pregnant? I mean, really. Last time my husband and I talked about how I feeling, I tried to tell him that I didn't want to take birth control, I didn't want to prevent and I didn't want to try. I just wanted to be 'blissfully ignorant' to the whole process. His response? "You can be blissfully ignorant on birth control pills." Sigh. I just wanted to have that chance each month.

I know I'll never be ignorant again. I'll never have that innocence of not knowing what could go wrong. I didn't have it with my last successful pregnancy, but damn it I had hope. And now I don't even have that. It's not a question of if something will go wrong when I'm pregnant again, it's a question of WHAT will go wrong when I get pregnant again. If this is how I feel now, I can't imagine how I would feel had I been further along. I think of my sweet sisters in loss, and I cannot fathom how they feel because if it hurts this much now I don't know much it must hurt to have a stillbirth or a pre-term birth and loss. I cry for them as much as for myself.

Damn it. It's not supposed to end like this.